question I am frequently asked is “can you recommend a coven for me to join/like-minded people for me to meet/a nearby pagan festival? I live in Italy/Texas/Québec.” It seems like a simple question, but it’s actually quite impossible to answer even if you live in the same city as me. I can’t give you a list of covens in your local area or a list of local witches you’d hit it off with as it’s simply beyond me (beyond anyone really), but I can help you with where to start looking on your own. You are going to have to do some research, hit the pavement, and put in the work yourself, maybe years of it, but if this is what you want it will be well worth the persistence and effort.
Finding a coven or group is still difficult and still a hot topic within the greater magical community despite the modern convenience of the internet. Why? Because the situation hasn’t changed since covens popped up from the 1950s onward. Most covens are still secretive, still don’t openly advertise, and are still very selective when it comes to who they allow to join and initiate. If it’s so hard to find one, let alone join one, how does one do it? The answer is to search for a community first, not a coven. No matter how secluded you think you are where you live, you can find a community.
How to Find Community
Many of us start online with forums, Facebook groups, and email lists. It’s a start, but it’s not community nor does it reflect what a physical magical community is really like. It won’t give you the experiences of group rituals, long-term witchy friendships, late night booze-fueled talks on magic, or dancing to drumming around a fire late into the night. Online groups can be more full of bickering, cliques, misinformation, psychic vampirism, and emotional drama than physical ones with a fair share of non-practicing arm chair witches who are the equivalent to mean grammar ogres and internet trolls (rocks back and forth in horror at the memories of her days on forums). Why so much crazy? Because people tend to behave much less behind the safety of internet anonymity. Instead of looking for community online, I recommend using the internet to search for databases and websites of local events and groups instead.
The Witches’ Voice (aka Witchvox) is one of the few updated websites with databases for finding local groups and events around the world. It is a very good starting point if you have no idea where to look. Use Witchvox to find nearby Pagan festivals, Pagan Pride events, public rituals, monthly meet-ups, workshops, study groups, as well as groups and covens accepting new members. It can even help you find like-minded people living in your town or area to meet for tea.
Online databases like Witchvox can be a great tool, but serious coven-seekers must keep in mind that the best covens and the ones with lineage don’t advertise and won’t have a website or use a database. Most of Witchvox’s listings are for generic pagan groups or eclectic Wiccan covens. These aren’t to be scoffed at or avoided, however, as many of the more secretive coven leaders will use the public groups as hunting grounds for their own private covens which may be more akin to the traditions and beliefs you are seeking. It’s common for long-term members of a magical community to be in more than one group and have their fingers in many pies. Even if a group or event doesn’t sound like your cup of tea on the surface, you never know who you’ll meet.
Festivals are another great starting point. Just search the interwebs for “pagan festival” plus the name of your town, state, province, region, or country, etc and scour the results to see what’s near you. There are pagan festivals and conference held all over the world and even if the closest one to you is a drive of hours or a day or two away – it is worth it to go. Some festivals are even worth it to fly to. Don’t have a car? Many festival attendees set up car pools so you can hitch a ride with folks coming from or passing through your town. There’s always a way to get there, even on a budget. Many festivals and conferences recur annually so you have a whole year to plan ahead and save money for one you really have your heart set on.
A festival is where you’re most likely to find like-minded folks, amazing rituals, workshops that match your interests, and even covens and groups who attend ever year or may be the hosts of the event. Dive in and talk to people, schmooze. If you’re new, you’re going to need to be the social butterfly, introducing yourself, and not expecting people to run up to you to make friends and show you around (though it can happen). To be honest, the times I’ve gone alone to a festival, not really knowing any one, are the times I’ve had the most fun and the best experiences so don’t be shy. You never know who you will meet at a festival so be on your best and most natural behaviour. You could end up meeting and hanging out with community leaders, coven leaders, tradition teachers and not even know it as many attend to simply have fun.
Link: Witchvox’s Pagan Festival Tips
Link: Pagan & Wiccan Festival Etiquette
Pagan Pride events are another great way to enter into your local magical community. Besides all the fun vendors, there are often a good variety of local groups, traditions, covens, and teachers represented. Some may have booths you can go to in order to ask questions about them and events they may host, some groups may be hosting rituals at the Pagan Pride, and others will teach workshops you can attend. Pagan Pride isn’t just for the public and media to get a look at us, it is a networking event for locals to meet other locals. I attended my local Pagan Pride event down the street once only to discover that two of my next door neighbours were pagans and lovely people to boot.
Other tips for making a good impression for wiggling your way into the local community include turning off your know-it-all and control freak tendencies when socializing (I know it can be hard but telling the coven you’re trying to join that you’re better than them isn’t going to work in your favour), avoiding brown-nosing the elders, leaders, and teachers (they’re just people too and would much rather socialize than be followed around by ass-kissers), and try to be your relaxed, natural self as best as possible avoiding the dangers of TMI (it’s not a competition to show how much you know about Germanic reconstructionism or the place to share the two-hour story about your current boyfriend troubles). If asked when socializing tell people what you believe, what you’re about, what you’re looking/hoping for from your path, as well as the ordinary but interesting things about you (your work, home brewing, or mad axe throwing skills). You’re here to make friends and network, not for a job interview… though I do also highly recommend good personal hygiene. If you show up at an event with greasy hair and dirty clothes, people are going to assume the worst about you and avoid you (and that smell wafting off you).
Lessons of Community
A greater magical community is a great place to start as within one you will learn how to socialize with other witches and pagans which is not always an easy thing. Many start off on their own as solitaries for years or decades and are very set in their ways and can be quite ornery and difficult to get along with. They may also be great, funny, intelligent people with cool skills who are worth learning how to step around the cantankerous broken glass to get to the gold within. This will prepare you for a coven or group as there will always be members you don’t like and there’s nothing you can do about it besides learn how to get along and find things you do like about them. Joining a coven is a bit like being born into a family – most of the time you don’t get to pick who you’re stuck with.
The jokes about “Pagan Standard Time” and getting witches and pagans together being similar to herding cats… well… they’re unfortunately true. Years of being involved in a community helping with or hosting events and rituals will teach you how to successfully organize the cats and how to lead them in ritual without them wondering off or rebelling against your best-laid plans. These are skills you’re going to need within a coven – especially if you happen to end up leading one in the future by some chance.
It’s important to have the ability to play nice with others – it’s why our mothers scheduled play dates for us and put us in pre-school. A community will teach you how to accept and get along with people of differing beliefs and traditions than your own. I personally think this is very important and not enough emphasis is placed on it. If we want the mainstream belief systems to accept us (or at least tolerate us), then we need to learn how to get along and find tolerance within our own community before expecting it from others. I know many witches and pagans who have the attitude that they shouldn’t associate with anyone who doesn’t share the same tradition or beliefs as themselves — to the extent they won’t even attend events that don’t match their tradition resulting in them ending up as lonely solitaries (and possibly the source of internet trolls).
I strongly disagree with this behaviour as it comes off as cult-ish and insular. Traditions should mix, people of differing beliefs should mix. It’s how we learn from each other and learn so much more than we could within our own pigeon hole. Druids, Heathens, Wiccans, Thelemites, Animists, Shamans… we should all be getting to know one another as people as well as learning to understand what we all believe and practice. It fosters tolerance and melts away prejudice and bigotry. Such tolerance will come in handy when you do join a group or coven as, no matter how set or strict a tradition it is, the members will still have their own varying beliefs and personal practices outside of the group. The more people of different paths and beliefs you interact act with, the more you will learn and the more you will understand your own beliefs – this goes for those fitting under the “Pagan” umbrella as well as those who follow the big world religions like Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism.
The Downside of Community
Festivals and one-off events are magical places where it seems like everything and everyone is only love and hugs and smiles. This results in most people getting the post-festival blues, depressed from the lack of delicious community love they found for a day or a week at an event. This is a happy problem to have, but when you’re a member of a local community and go to every sabbat with the same people, attend the local festival with the same people, and you’re in a coven with the same people all the time, every month, every year… that’s when things can get difficult.
Put any small or large group of people together for long enough and, no matter how much love or good intent there was at the beginning, there is going to be interpersonal drama. What is interpersonal drama? The usual: fights, gossip, ostracization, crazy people being crazy… Only experience can teach you how to navigate it, avoid it, and deal with it and your actions and reactions will depend completely on your temperment. Due to this being pretty common throughout communities (even those of non-pagans), most people who are members of a community will go through a set of phases that look a little something like this:
- I love my community/group/coven, I love hosting rituals, and I love volunteering! Love and hugs for everyone! *grins like a fool*
- Hmm, where did those creepy weirdos come from? *frowns*
- Why are people so mean? Why do people complain so much and criticize every detail of everything I do, but never host anything or volunteer for anything themselves? *curls up into a ball and cries*
- Screw everyone, screw the community/group/coven. *mutters bitterly and hides in a dark hole for months or years*
- I miss people. We had some good times. Maybe I’ll just go to this one thing… *dips toe tentatively back into community waters*
Rinse and repeat.
Why We Seek Community
We seek magical community for the same reason we seek friendships and relationships. The human condition is loneliness and so we eternally seek connection with other people. If you enter into your local magical community with the intention of building friendships and making long-term connections rather than seeking a leadership role or prestige within a coven, you are much more likely to be well-received, well-loved, and to get the most out of a community you possibly can. After spending years building solid friendships with other magicians you may find yourself invited to join many local groups or even end up creating a group with your like-minded friends instead of joining a pre-existing one.
We can learn a lot on our own today through books, articles, the internet, and personal practice, but such learning cannot mimic or replace the knowledge and experience one gains from talking to others and working magic with others. You can never guess what paths joining a magical community will lead you down, but you will cherish the experiences had, the memories made, and the people met.
So don’t be shy, don’t be afraid. Go outside of your comfort zone and find the depth of connection you crave.